Before I dive into this topic, I want to say that I don’t have a clinical diagnosis for anxiety. I do not take any medications for it, but I do not judge anyone who needs that. My story might not be relatable to some of you, but I wanted to share it in case it does resonate with someone.

If you do need help with anxiety, I highly recommend seeing a therapist and psychiatrist to figure out your needs. 

My experience with anxiety in medical school took me by surprise. Prior to medical school, the most anxious I felt was when I was studying for exams, especially while studying for the MCAT. During the multiple attempts of taking the MCAT, I realized I have a good amount of anxiety. In some instances, I get so anxious that I can’t sit still. My heart is racing. I just want to get out of the exam room.

I noticed that questions I should’ve gotten right, I would get them wrong. Purely because my mind was so anxious that I couldn’t keep the information straight. There were many times when I would choose an answer that I knew was wrong because I didn’t recognize the other choices and it got me panicked. 

However, I knew about this experience with exams and it only got worse. At one point, I started seeing a therapist through my school. My medical school has a contract with a local therapy group that gives each student ten free sessions. After the ten sessions, they work with students and their health insurance to keep them partnered with a therapist. 

While seeing this therapist, I was able to articulate how I get anxious during exams. She was able to give me some tips to help me calm down. I practice deep breathing, taking a break from the exam, and I have an affirmation to keep me calm. (It’s “You’ve put in the work. You can do it.”)

What exactly caught me by surprise then? I was struggling with my capstone project all year. At my school, we have four years to create a capstone project. It can be on anything you want. That’s where my struggle began. 

Anything? I have a wide range of interests and I had no idea which interest I wanted to commit my project to even though there is room to change it later. Should I do something on vaccines to continue my undergraduate research? Should I do something related to OB-GYN? Or should I focus on type II diabetes mellitus? What about infectious disease? Should my project even be research? What about educational materials?

At one point, I wanted to apply to summer research programs. Searching through the programs available to me, I found one with a topic that I was interested in. I also fit the eligibility criteria for this program which I think is important to note because there aren’t many programs to begin. 

It was during the school year though so I decided I would wait until winter break to actually get started on the application. However…most of winter break passed and I did not look at the applications again. I kept telling myself that I was really tired, and truth be told, I was exhausted. I took a few days to relax, and once I was recharged I still found myself avoiding the application.

At some point, I realized that I was subconsciously telling myself that I wasn’t good enough for the program. I thought about my past experiences of rejection where I worked really hard on the applications, but I didn’t get accepted to the programs. These thoughts kept crawling in, and I thought I was experiencing Imposter Syndrome.

Once I labeled it, I reached out to faculty because I knew they would be able to help me. One faculty member told me she would proofread my application which made me feel immediately better. Another faculty member, he was actually my interviewer and asked me how I would deal with Imposter Syndrome during my interview, and gave me some advice about how he dealt with it. 

With their help, I eventually got the application done and I was so happy with it. I also had my appointment with my therapist and told her about how this happened, and asked her to give me some advice.

To my surprise, she recognized that my behaviors were anxiety that manifested as avoidance. I was completely shocked because usually I can feel when I’m anxious. It never occurred to me that I used avoidance as a coping mechanism. It also took me a while to grasp the concept of having anxiety like that.

Reflecting on my life, there were many occasions where I could recognize those feelings of anxiety and how it resulted in delayed action. Oftentimes, I find myself delaying a writing based activity (such as this blog or emails) because I’m worried about how other people will perceive me. It’s why I never posted the “day in the life” video that I created to show a busy day as a M1 at my school. 

However, knowing that, has changed how I approach those feelings. As soon as I recognize that I am avoiding the perceived “conflict”, I reach out to someone or create a list of doable actions to tackle the problem. 

Overall, I never truly thought about anxiety until medical school and I’m really happy that my therapist could help me.